"We're Doing Time Too"
by Dr. NKrumah D. Lewis
A
great number of resources have been developed for men and women returning from
stints of incarceration; with the emphasis being placed particularly on men.
What you probably realize, as someone
that has selected this particular manual, is that when someone you love is
incarcerated, in a sense you are too. It is the grandmothers, mothers,
girlfriends, spouses, siblings and children that suffer the peripheral effects
of imprisonment. Our concern and reason
behind authoring this manual is because there really hasn’t been any significant
offering that provides you, the support system, with support!
As
incarceration becomes increasingly commonplace, we’ve watched the tears shed by
mothers, wives, significant others, etc. We’ve heard the expressions of
helplessness and in some cases hopelessness if for some reason re-entry utterly
fails, and the offender finds themselves imprisoned again. We know all too well the financial burden
that falls to families that have to travel to visit, provide toiletries, shoes
and holiday care packages so that the offender does not feel completely alone and
ostracized. Here, however, it is important to want to dig a bit deeper on your
behalf and discuss the solutions as opposed to continually overstating the
problem. We know that over two million people are under the supervision of the
department of corrections consistently.
The important word here is “supervision”. The “care” for your family
member or loved one has now become part responsibility and part challenge. If you estimate, for a brief second, that each
incarcerated individual has at least five concerned relatives or significant
others, then the aforementioned two million people, now swells to ten million
people. This is a significant number of
people that are strained, uncertain, often angry and most consistently,
frustrated with the rules and regulations, invasions of privacy, and abuses
that come along with incarceration. This is why I’ve aptly entitled this work, “We’re Doing Time Too”.
My
goals are to provide: (1) thoughtful and exhaustive answers to frequently asked
questions, (2) a framework for navigating the Department of Corrections with a
bit more ease, (3) actual and truthful information that debunks myths about the
rights of ex-offenders, (4) a therapeutic lens to viewing the phenomenon of
incarceration and (5) practical
methods to assist your family member or loved one with transitioning back into
their family, social and/or parental roles, the realm of employment, and
attending to both medical and psychological needs.
What this resource book
uniquely offers:
·
A
collection of topics that people in your
situation deem important
o
Here you will find answers to questions
submitted by real people; the hurting, confused and many times frustrated
family members and loved ones, who sincerely want to assist the returning
offender in their transition.
· The professional voice and reflections of a practical sociologist that operated an award-winning re-entry program
o
I believe that one of the guiding
principles of successful societal re-entry is quite simply “truth”, whether it
is the truth you offer in response to the returning offender, or the truth you
expect of them as a foundation to your dealings with them during their
transition. Hence, I think it is important to document the reality of both
success and failure so that crippling mistakes are not repeated. I will
elaborate on this more extensively later in this text.
·
Brief
discussions that will provide you insight on how to assist with the transition
of the offender prior to release
o
In my professional opinion, this is one
of the specific reasons that re-entry fails. We find that the initial shock of
societal changes can serve as a trauma to the offender upon release. It is many
times made worse when there hasn’t been a concrete plan for societal re-entry.
I’ll even talk about what to do beyond
the plan that will increase the probability of successful society re-entry.
FAQ:
As a mother what can I do to assist my son in trying to get him
back into society to make his transition not so overwhelming?
Perhaps
the most difficult position to be in when someone has been incarcerated is that
of a mother. We understand that you may experience feelings ranging from guilt,
to anger, to despair and even shame. You
begin to ask yourself what you could have done differently, did you fail your
child in some way, why can’t he/she just get it together and do what’s right?
Let us first answer in saying, if you are reading this manual you are not a
parent that has abandoned or failed your child. The first thing you have to do
is forgive yourself for the actions of your child; they are not your own. As
your child is serving their sentence, preparing to be released, or potentially
headed to back to your place of residence, you must develop the attitude that
your support is just that…support. The
transformation and transition of your son or daughter has to be their own plan
and undertaken with their own initiative.
You
have to separate support from being an enabler. There are some people that will
return to prison time and time again without little regard for how it makes you
feel or look in the public eye. Perhaps they are controlled by insatiable urges
or addicted to substances. Be that as it may, your role has to be clear and
limited. You have to find your role quickly and stand firm in your position.
You cannot fall victim to unfounded information about his situation as a
convicted criminal. Much of what you are told is simply information passed on
from person to person without verification. Help your son to research his
rights, understand the terms to his release, point him towards potential
opportunities and be willing to be a sounding board while remaining overly
positive; he’ll need that the most! When your son applies for the 100th
job, encourage him to apply for the 101st.
You
can highlight the qualities that you see in him, and inquire about his
interests, perhaps even brainstorm with him from time to time, but the plan of
action HAS to be his. One component of failure that people often overlook is
that the plan for success never included the input of who it was written for.
What types of things will he/she need that I can assist with
specifically?
There
are several items that will assist in making the transition a bit easier for
you both. It is important to secure legal documents such as a state
identification card, birth certificate, social security card, and educational
transcripts. These will all serve as documents that prepare them for the
process of reintegrating into society and getting back to a sense of normalcy.
Another very important process, dependent upon the length of incarceration
might entail securing a copy of the local bus, train or subway route, so that
you are not solely responsible for their transportation and they begin seeking
employment.
Be
mindful that being unfamiliar with changes in the local landscape, the tearing
down of old buildings, the establishment of new streets and/or businesses could
serve as constant reminders of the time that they’ve lost, and could create
feelings of loss and/or depression. Perhaps a weekend tour of things that have
changed will reduce some of the anxiety associated with coming home. Bear in
mind that your loved one is looking for any signs of familiarity and comfort as
they’ve been confined and struggle with the concept that they were removed from
society as a whole.
Another
issue to consider is that during their incarceration, they may have physically
changed, by losing weight or packing on muscle and their old clothes may not
fit. Unless someone is willing to purchase an entire wardrobe, we recommend
starting slowly by going to the Goodwill or thrift stores where all ranges of
attire can be found at minimal costs. Many churches and ministries provide
donated clothing as well.
Are there resources in helping inmates who were incarcerated
prepare to get back into the work force that prepares them on what they will
have to deal with (challenges) when they have felony charges on their
record?
Yes,
but first, allow us to say this. While the felony is the most serious and
challenging of all, we don’t want to discount the fact that a lengthy criminal
history or even a sporadic one that spreads over a long period of time presents
hurdles as well. Therefore, you will
seldom see the agencies that are willing to help offenders make the distinction
of specifically serving convicted felons.
There are many well-intentioned non-profit agencies that have much more
flexibility to hire and/or advocate for former offenders. In some states, Goodwill Industries has been
very helpful in training former offenders in soft skills that they will need to
navigate the employment sector. There is
an abundance of church ministries that have as non-profit endeavors, services
that assist with resume writing, clothing, food, housing and numerous other
resources that assist in transition. Even if you aren’t a member of a
particular church body or denomination, many churches see this type of work as
ministry and outreach to their local community. Further, it provides another
networking opportunity as often there may be members that business owners or
entrepreneurs that may be willing to take a chance on your loved one after
seeing them at work or volunteering in service of others.
In
order to combat a felony conviction, we strongly encourage visiting NLADA
(Legal Aid) and inquiring about the possibility of record expungement or
sealing of a criminal record and/or pardon if he/she qualifies. Lastly, as your loved one begins the
transitioning and re-entry process, you might encourage then to seek out some
sort of education, whether it is pursuing a high school diploma, GED, formal
degree or vocational endeavor. With recent economic downturns, we have
witnessed people with higher levels of education pursue entry level employment,
which makes for a very competitive market. Your loved one should seek to prepare to
compete against such individuals.
I know he will receive spiritual guidance, but my fear is him not
going back to the people he once knew.
This
will be a clear indication to you as a family member about your loved ones
intentions to turn their life around. This is a decision that you cannot make
for them, BUT, your discussion and observations should center on the type of
company that he/she keeps post-release. He must understand that he is fighting
for his very survival and it has been made intensely difficult with a criminal
record. Many times one of the conditions of probation/parole dictates that he
not associate with known criminals. Though seldom enforced, there is a reason
for this old condition. He must be hyper-vigilant in protecting his freedom. It
only takes one trip to the store where a “friend” is unknowingly in possession
of drugs, a firearm or what have you, and your loved one could be violated and
sent back to prison.
Your
loved one should be seeking to align himself with people that are already
successful, that have networking capabilities and/or that do not even view
crime as a viable lifestyle or option. This should be the true measure of
whether to continue an association if he is truly committed to change. When the
job search becomes almost impossible, probation and parole fees are mounting
and maybe even child support is knocking, the “friend” that offers a quick
hustle, some fast money, or the proverbial “one more run” should be the one he
stays far away from. Many offenders become stuck between maintaining loyalty,
street credibility and “keeping it real”. As a support system, you can merely
provide him with the tools and mechanisms to think ahead to what MIGHT happen
with each decision. It is quite okay to discuss possible scenarios before
making the smallest decision. It is the first step in making better informed
choices.
Do you have a listing of places that hires ex-inmates?
My son has
a very positive attitude about trying to get employment as soon as he gets
home. I don't really think he fully understands some of the challenges he
may face in trying to get a job and get back on track. What can my family and I
do to help motivate him?
Unfortunately, no such list exists. One of the most frustrating things that you will often hear from
employers, professionals or even agencies claiming to offer re-entry services
is “it just depends” or “it is case by case”. Let’s examine this further and
offer some hard truths about what they are attempting to say. The fact is that
opportunities for employment vary from state to state, city to city and from
employer to employer. It is an act of discrimination for employers to use the
criminal record as the sole reason
for refusing to hire an applicant. Many employers are protected by the 14th
amendment and broad interpretations of a phrase stating that the employer must
demonstrate a “business necessity” to barring individuals convicted of crimes
from working. There are certain states
that have enacted legislation that prevents an employer from asking about the
criminal record in consideration of employment. It is important for you to
consider the long term ramifications of continuing to reside in states where
such acts of discrimination are widely practiced.
Dependent upon the state that the offender is
located in, an application of employment will read, “have you ever been
convicted of a felony”, “have you been convicted of a felony within the last
ten (10) years”, “have you been convicted of a felony within the last five (5)
years” and in many instances, “have you been arrested, charged or convicted of
any crime or infraction more serious than a minor traffic violation”. These questions will vary from private
employer to the public sector, from government jobs to even fast food industry
positions. The one trend we witness, however, is that the deeper into the south
you observe, the fewer leniencies you see in regards to affording offenders opportunities.
The decision to relocate is certainly affected by probation/parole status,
family support, and a variety of other factors, but it is advice that we’ve
given to offenders in the past. Make no mistake, the record still needs to be
addressed in a professional manner, but we are simply stating that more
opportunities abound in the northern part of the United States.
Unless specifically stated in a company’s
policies, the decision of whether to offer employment to an individual
employment is based on several factors and can be subjective. Those factors are
typically, (1) the type of offense committed, (2) the adjudication or
judgment, (3) the length of time since the offense was committed, and (4) the
nature of the offense in relation to the position applied for. The last is
perhaps the most important, and often the way in which former offenders add to
their own frustration. For example, an individual convicted of theft, should
not seek employment in a bank, as the infraction is directly related to the job
being sought. One hard truth is that many opportunities for employment in some
industries are limited by conviction of a crime. However, there are always
exceptions and success stories of someone finding an opportunity and making the
most of it. Our advice for you as a family member to encourage the offender
during their job search is to speak candidly with them and be honest about the
fact that they will have to earn the trust of those in the employment sector.
Let them know that regardless of their actual crime that due to stereotypes,
fellow co-workers and employers will view them as potential thieves. It is
simply an unfortunate reality and stigma that goes along with being convicted
of a crime.
They cannot expect to emerge from prison and
pursue supervisory level positions. Many times the only opportunities that will
be afforded them will be manual labor, menial tasks, for little pay and at an
entry level. It is your responsibility to confront them with these truths and
to help them develop a positive attitude about it, because employers are quite
simply looking for them to be humble and contrite. We always advise offenders
to get their foot in the door, work hard to make themselves irreplaceable and
make it a goal to achieve some longevity at one particular job of at least a
year.
Dependent
upon the length of the offender’s incarceration, he/she may not be computer
literate and may require assistance. The internet is always an excellent
“starting point”. Nothing replaces the sheer effort of allowing a potential
employer to see a face and assess character and presentation from the first
impression. We suggest searching your particular area on the internet for
postings that advertise that they are EOE (Equal Opportunity Employers),
“hiring immediately”, and in some cases, “offenders welcomed”. Yes, there are
postings that openly advertise that the criminal record is not an issue
My loved one came home with little to no money,
what is he/she expected to do until they find employment?
We know that typically inmates are released with
less than $100 to their name. Understandably, this can place a strain on you,
as you have likely been sending them monies for this or that during their
incarceration and perhaps even making long trips to visit them. There are
always advertisements for day laborers, and even some agencies that contract
workers just for the day. Typically, one has to arrive very early to be
considered for these opportunities. The good thing is that they are paid daily
and can begin right away sustaining themselves and gaining independence.
Surprisingly, “temp agencies” which used to
provide short term employment ranging from a week to six months have been a bit
discriminating in using individuals with a criminal history. It is best to call
and ask about their policies beforehand. In all situations, you want to arm
yourself with information, whether it is good, bad or indifferent. You do not
want to set your loved one up for failure, as they will already be facing the
notion of rejection.
Many inmates are released and have the idea that
they can begin doing odd jobs, such as moving furniture, “landscaping” and
detailing vehicles. We would warn them to be very careful about doing so
without being associated with individuals that carry general liability
insurance in the event something is damaged or they are simply targeted for
“scapegoating”. Remember that you and your loved one must be vigilant about
protecting them and their freedom. Encourage them to always think ahead and
calculate the risks, as they will be excited about new opportunities.
Should I seek counseling or therapy for my loved one once he is
released?
Yes.
This is a particularly sensitive subject in communities of color, when in
actuality it shouldn’t be. Let us take a minute to explain. We are focused on
moving people towards the understanding of incarceration as a traumatic life
event. You must realize that the individual that left months or years ago is
not the same person that will be coming home. This is not a question of guilt
or innocence, but instead the type of environment that your loved one was
exposed to during their incarceration. Many of your loved ones have spent time
in disciplinary segregation, maximum security lockdown, told when to get up,
when to go to bed, when to eat and may have been the victim of assaults, both
sexual and/or physical. Make no mistake about it; prison is a very tough
environment. Even if your loved one was not assaulted, they may have witnessed
a level of violence that they were not accustomed to seeing. They may have even
participated in acts of violence to be part of a group for protection. Needless
to say, this is a topic that they may not feel comfortable ever sharing with
you. Due to the explosive potential for nightmares, flashbacks and the like, we
strongly suggest that your loved one find some professional outlet to discuss
and interpret their feelings.
Those
loved ones that have experienced long periods of incarceration may suffer
institutionalization, post traumatic stress disorder, major depressive disorder
and/or a number of other psychological disorders that have developed or been
made worse by isolation, fear and the stress of their reality. The fact of the matter is that they need an
opportunity to de-escalate and adjust to their new environment. You can’t
imagine the number of men that we know that have purposely committed an offense
to return to prison because the demands of being “outside” were too much, or
the world had simply passed them by. The very things that you take for granted,
such as cell phones, debit cards, or downloading music could become very
traumatic situations that create embarrassment and anxiety for someone that has
been incarcerated for a long period time.
We
cannot underestimate the importance of a good marriage and family therapist,
particularly when children are involved. Explain to your loved one that there
may be feelings of abandonment or confusion that your child(ren) may be feeling
that may only be uncovered gently through therapy or with the help of a
professional. Children may be experiencing feelings of guilt and shame that
they have internalized. It simply isn’t healthy to re-introduce a traumatized
individual back into an environment that has changed significantly since they
departed. The most common breakdown of the family unit that we’ve seen has been
when the former offender being unable to find employment, but places added
financial strain on the family unit. Things seem to go awry quickly and amidst
the strain, some hurts are spewed angrily and all parties are even further
injured. This is why we are advocates for both counseling and therapy. If
neither is possible, work to create safe spaces and times to discuss feelings
without judgment both with and without the child(ren).
Another
important point to note is that during your loved one’s incarceration, they may
have been forced to go “cold turkey” from an addictive substance. Post-release
is a perfect opportunity to seize upon that sobriety and discuss joining N.A.,
A.A., G.A., etc. immediately. You may have noticed that during visitation, your
loved one spoke with passion about their regrets, made apologies and talked
about really big plans and things they’d never do again if given just one more
chance. While this draws you in and gives you hope, you must treat
incarceration as you would an addiction in our model of support. You may be
speaking to a loved one that hasn’t been sober in years. They are not being
faced with the same challenges and company that will face them when they are
released. While prison can be intensely traumatic, it is a place of stability
as well. The trials of staying clean and finding work can be overwhelming and
may place them under tremendous strain and tempt them to return to their drug
of choice. You must insist on them staying clean and have a zero tolerance for
drugs and alcohol in your residence and/or presence. If you were a family
member that participated in drug or alcohol abuse with them, this would be an
excellent opportunity to attend a support group together and be accountable to
each other.
My son has asked if I can send him applications while he is
incarcerated so that he can start looking for a job, do you think that is a
good idea? While I think it is great that he wants to start right away to
get his life together I know it is a process. I don't want to dampen his
spirit, what can I do to help?
We
would issue a very sincere warning here. Make sure that you are aware of the
rules and regulations for sending any outside literature to the
prison/farm/jail. You do not want to create a potential infraction for your
loved one. Also consider that you are preparing to submit fraudulent
information by potentially using your address for the application. This could
be cause for termination later down the road. We don’t want to leave you
without a solution however. There are some minimum security prisons and camps
where inmates are allowed to leave for work purposes. We would encourage
earning that privilege by staying clear of trouble and infractions, and
speaking with a case manager or social worker about such an opportunity. If
indeed your loved one can secure such an opportunity, then he/she should work
very hard to forge a relationship with a supervisor to become a potential hire
upon release and at the very least, a strong job reference. You should
encourage them to pursue any certificates and participate in any programs
available at the prison that are consistent with his/her plan of release. Lastly,
you have to balance realism with optimism. Your loved one will ultimately
appreciate your being truthful and honest. You must come to understand that
lying to them about their prospects will only lead to bitterness and more
intense feelings of inadequacy.
How do I support my loved one who is being
released and at the same time, require that he/she respects the healthy
boundaries that I have established in my life?
In many
instances, family members have been on a roller-coaster ride with loved ones
who have been in and out of the system. This emotional turmoil has cost
family members financially, mentally, emotionally, physically and
spiritually. Oftentimes, the incarceration of chronic recidivists brings
relief to family members because we know where they are and feel that they will
be relatively safer than when they were living dangerously in society. As
family members have time to think and acknowledge how they might have been
contributing to the problem by enabling their loved ones, their decision making
will be different this go round. Establishing healthy boundaries by
setting limits will be advantageous for the family members but will be
traumatic for the newly released loved one. One suggestion is to begin
these limit setting conversations with your loved one before he/she is
released. This establishes what you are willing to do and the limits of
your assistance. This conversation should also convey the consequences if
your loved one does not live up to his/her end of the deal.
Can someone assist my family with having a
supportive intervention with my loved one-a conversation that establishes the
limits of our support and the consequences of him/her breaching this contract?
This is a very interesting and creative
question. If it becomes necessary to have a physical document drawn up, we
would advise finding a template online and filling in it with the conditions
that you and your loved one agree upon. If you would like intervention services
to accompany the agreement where you can assure that you both will be heard,
and the agreement will be reasonable, realistic and fair, we would encourage
you to contact a local mediation center. Be advised that such services could
range in price from $150-350 per hour based on our research. However, the
exchange is an investment in your loved one and peace of mind for you.
Can I require my loved one to take regular drug
tests?
Yes. However,
this will be at a cost to you for private testing. As a condition of probation
or parole “discretionary conditions” will typically specify that your loved one
not engage in the excessive use of alcohol, though it does not prohibit
drinking altogether. In addition, the use of any street or illicit drug is both
a crime and a violation of the conditions of probation and parole, and your
loved one is subject to random drug testing. A positive test will likely result
in a violation of probation or parole, leading to new charges and potentially
the requirement to serve either the sentence for the new infraction or the
remainder of the sentence that was suspended. If your loved one’s crime was
related to drug use or abuse, it is highly likely that their probation or
parole officer will be conducting such tests randomly and regularly. Many
private agencies in your area provide urinalyses for as little as $20. Prices may vary
and rise as high as $110 for hair follicle testing.
Can my loved
one attend school and receive financial aid?
Yes. This is
one of the biggest misconceptions that continue to be perpetuated. Your loved
one can attend school and receive financial aid. They will need to complete the
FAFSA like any other prospective student by the required deadlines, which are
typically in the month of June (https://fafsa.ed.gov/ ). Your loved one will be subject to a
background check, as will all students, but this should not deter him or her.
This particular search for the college and university system is more of a
threat assessment for the safety of other students and school personnel.
I heard that
you cannot receive financial aid if you have a drug conviction though.
This
was previously the case with the initial passage of the Higher Education Act
(HEA) of 1998. “Section 484, subsection R of the
Higher Education Act of 1998 (HEA) delays or denies federal student financial
aid eligibility to applicants with any misdemeanor or felony drug conviction.
Applicants with a single possession conviction lose eligibility for one year
from conviction date; those with a second possession conviction or one sales
conviction lose eligibility for two years; and three possession convictions or
two sales convictions cost an applicant eligibility indefinitely.” In early
2006 the law was scaled back to be limited to offenses committed while a student is enrolled in college
and receiving federal Title IV aid. So to be clear…unless your loved one was
previously enrolled in school, receiving financial aid AND was convicted of a
drug offense, they are indeed eligible to both attend college and receive aid.
Read more: Drug Convictions - How
They Affect Your Financial Aid - StateUniversity.com Blog http://www.stateuniversity.com/blog/permalink/Drug-Convictions-How-They-Affect-Your-Financial-Aid.html#ixzz36JLKmxoi
Can my loved
one vote?
According to The
Sentencing Project, 5.3 million
Americans (1 in 40 adults) were unable to vote due to a felony conviction in
the 2008 elections. This included 1.4 million African-American men, more than
676,000 women, and 2.1 million ex-offenders who have completed their
sentences. State approaches to felon disenfranchisement vary
tremendously. In Maine and Vermont, felons never lose their right to vote, even while they are incarcerated. In
Florida, Iowa and Kentucky, felons and ex-felons permanently lose their right to vote, absent a pardon from the
governor. The remaining 45 states have 45 different approaches to the
issue.
- In 38 states and the District of Columbia, most ex-felons automatically gain the right to vote upon the completion of their sentence.
- In some states, ex-felons must wait for a certain period of time after the completion of their sentence before rights can be restored.
- In some states, an ex-felon must apply to have voting rights restored.
·
In 2009, Washington
restored the right to vote to felons who completed their sentences, while
requiring them to re-register to vote.
·
2011, the Florida
Board of Executive Clemency (composed of the governor and three cabinet
members) reversed a 2007 policy change that automatically restored voting
rights to non-violent offenders upon the completion of their sentence. The new
policy requires that all ex-felons wait between five and seven years before
applying to regain voting rights. In Iowa, the governor in
2011 reversed an executive order issued in 2005 under the previous governor.
The 2005 order automatically restored the voting rights of all ex-felons, but
under the 2011 order they will now have to apply to regain rights. In Tennessee,
HB 1117 was enacted, adding to the list of felons who will not be eligible to
vote again.
·
In 2012, South
Carolina mandated that felons on probation would not have voting
rights restored. Previously, only felons on parole or incarcerated had their
voting rights suspended.
·
In 2013, Delaware
eliminated the five-year waiting period before voting rights are restored.
If your state was not
specifically mentioned above and you are curious about your loved one’s right
to vote, please visit http://felonvoting.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=000286
for the most current changes in laws regarding suffrage.
All
of this sounds good, but the reality is that I’ve seen people come home and end
up right back in prison. I want my son to be successful and stand on his own
two feet. What else can I do?
Again,
we will say to you and all of the others reading this that are “preparing” for
your son, your husband, your boyfriend, etc. to return home, you are taking a
huge step right now. Many people wait until the inmate is released and
underestimate the work that it will take for them to experience any success. In
our opinion, successful re-entry starts about six months before being released. Many
people think of making a plan for release, which to be honest tends to consist
of some very lofty dreams and aspirations. Let’s discuss two very common
mistakes. (1) There’s nothing wrong with big dreams, but in our experience, the
plan to get there is not in place or is sorely lacking. For example, one of the
most common things we see is that a recently released inmate wants to own his
own business. This is very admirable. However, no one has asked him/her the
hard questions, such as where will your financing come from? Have you
researched the market for this business? Do you have a working budget? Have you
created a business proposal/plan? Do you understand taxation laws?
This
is in no ways to diminish their dream, but instead to have them consider the
contingencies and possibilities, which leads to our second mistake. (2) Maybe
your loved one has spent time in prison being very thoughtful and productive.
Maybe you’ve been instrumental in gathering information for them on the
outside. Have you or your loved one included in the plan what to do if at any
turn, you fail or experience delay? Something as simple as the initial job
search or even getting into school has
to have a contingency plan. This is where you can truly be of support. You can
begin to have these planning sessions while your loved one is developing their
release plan. It’s as simple as asking, if this doesn’t happen within a given
time frame, then the next step would be… or if for some reason, this doesn’t
happen, then I’ll do this. Now both you and your loved one are prepared for
those stressful situations that we’ve continued to allude to.
Can
you explain what you mean when you say that the person that left will not be
the same person that returns? Who exactly should I expect to be coming home?
I
truly wish that we could be exhaustive and cover every possible instance that
you might experience, but it’s simply not possible. We will however do our best
to prepare you. Potentially, you could
be dealing with someone you no longer recognize. We will state again that
prison is not a nice place. It is a place of violence, negativity, isolation
and cruelty. The person that comes home varies based on what they’ve done with
their time. We’ve all heard the old adage of “just because you’re in prison,
don’t let the prison get in you”. There is something to be said for this. What
this statement is saying is that, prison can and often does change people to
the extent that their code of ethics and morality, their behavior and their
thinking is institutionalized. During a conversation with a former inmate, who
was wrongfully incarcerated for nineteen years, he shared that when he first
came home, he would sit on the edge of the bed needing to use the bathroom, but
wouldn’t go until his wife assured him it was okay. She would softly say, “it’s
okay…you’re not in prison anymore”.
Many
inmates return and are easily frightened by loud noises, or sounds that sound
like prison doors closing. Others are unable to sleep in a bed and prefer the
floor for months after they come home. After helping him find a potential
employer an inmate in our program called from the interview weeping saying he
just wanted to go back. A few questions revealed that he was trapped in the
bathroom completely frustrated by the automated flushing of the toilet and
sinks. He experienced severe anxiety because he could not find the handles on
either. These are the things that a long period of incarceration does. We often
make situations like this worse by laughing or not taking them seriously.
Needless
to say, anxiety will be an issue along the lines of fear or being frightened by
change. Another thought to share here is that the great majority of people
returning from prison will have an unrealistic idea that they can recapture the
time that they’ve lost. This may be characterized by sleeplessness, a sense of
urgency and demanding that things be done right away, trying to develop
multiple ideas at once, and speaking illogically at times. Your role in
supporting them here is to have a candid conversation with them about their
concept of time. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the high energy that
you’ll see from them, IF it is properly channeled. The danger here should be
obvious though. They are very likely to burnout, experience intense
disappointments and/or become intensely frustrated with you if you are not
operating on their schedule.
Other
potential issues are related to previous issues we discussed regarding mental
health and psychological disorders. Their experiences may have conditioned them
to be distrusting, which can and often do lead to problems in romantic and
intimate relationships. Along with this, you may notice either an excessive
willingness to talk, or the exact opposite; someone who is eerily quiet. We
would encourage again creating and even scheduling time to talk in a safe
space. In instances where it is possible and agreed upon, we strongly suggest
the assistance of a professional.
A
great number of inmates experience varying degrees of paranoia. This likely
from either their direct prison experiences or ones they’ve witnessed. You may
go to a restaurant and your loved one insists on sitting facing the door.
Perhaps you notice that your loved one is constantly looking around the area
where you are, or literally looking over their shoulder as they walk. These are
all typical behaviors associated with protecting themselves in their previous
environment. There may also be conversations that continue to speak angrily
about “the system”, the government and conspiracies against them, either
directly or as a race and gender. Many people dismiss this as “prison talk”,
but to them these beliefs and thinking is normative and very real. Here we
suggest talking to them about the actions they’ve
taken and decisions that they’ve made.
While the statistics do support higher arrest and conviction rates for certain
races and genders, these beliefs detract from culpability and responsibility,
which will be important for decision makers to hear.
Another
characteristic of people returning from prison might be aggressiveness or
bravado. Again, this is behavior that they’ve adopted or that has been made
more intense by the environment they’ve just left. They may believe now that
violence is the primary coping mechanism when conflict arises. As a support
system, you may want to research and share different ways to cope with
frustration, anger and disappointment. Discussing the consequences of violent
behavior, including threats might be a great place to start. One therapeutic
technique is de-escalation. We’ve said to aggressive inmates before, “I’m not
here to hurt you; I’m here to help you. I’m not against you and you don’t have
to speak to me in that manner.” Be mindful that there still exists a code of
the streets, that carries over into prison, and which is predicated heavily on respect. Work to establish and maintain
a respectful way of talking and behaving at the very beginning of their
transition. You may even add that profanity can be seen as aggressive
behavior, as well as the fact that it isn’t professional as they work to find
employment.
How
can I prepare my child for the return of his father? He barely knows who he is
because when he left my child was very young.
Dealing
with the emotions of children can be a very sensitive situation, given that
children have not had the experiences necessary to develop a great deal of
coping strategies when faced with difficult situations or traumas. The
incarceration of a parent can be especially difficult for a child and feel very
much like the death of a parent. They may be exposed to ridicule at school, or
asked very difficult questions about why their dad never comes to activities,
awards programs or even father-specific events at school. You may notice a
range of emotions from your child that on the surface may not make sense to
you.
The
National Center for Infants, Toddlers and Families advises three coping
strategies: (1) limit or completely restrict exposure to media or news reports
related to the event; (2) “ask family and friends not to discuss the scary
event around the child”; and (3) as much as possible, “maintain your child’s
regular routine.” There is a danger that your child may see or hear unfavorable
or negative reports about your loved one. We suggest that you find your own way
in your own time to speak with your child about your loved ones incarceration.
The decision about whether to allow a young child to visit should be carefully
thought about and discussed extensively. Children are very impressionable and
imaginative. They can very easily arrive at conclusions that are untrue and
again, that find them blaming themselves.
Their
primary concern will likely be the safety of the other parent. They may
experience a range of emotions that reflect that they feel detached or
abandoned. One way to effectively deal with such feelings is through letter
writing. This provides an opportunity to maintain the parent-child bond to some
extent. It also gives a young child something to look forward to, as well as an
opportunity to express their feelings. You may consider allowing them to send
hand drawn pictures, photographs and any other memorabilia that is permitted by
the prison.
Lastly,
express to the incarcerated parent that it is very important to keep a child on
schedule in regards to sleep, play and school. A routine can often provide a
feeling of safety and security for a young child (http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/structure-routines).
During a time of uncertainty, you want to do things that a child can “look
forward to”, “count on” or “rely upon”. Maintaining
a routine makes the traumatic event a bit more manageable for both custodial
parent and child.
When
the incarcerated parent does return to the home, it is important for them to
understand that they cannot expect to pick up right where they left off. We
continually hear that “children are resilient”. Well, as good as this sounds,
the truth is that children are very sensitive to everything that occurs around
them, as they struggle to learn what they should do, say, and expect. By
nature, they want to please their parents and never be a disappointment. In
turn, we should never want to disappoint them either, as it chips away at the
trust that is important to any relationship. The returning parent must take the
necessary time to not only re-enter society, but re-enter the life of a child
who has had literally, a million experiences since their departure. As they
develop they have had to make decisions, gain or lose friends, perhaps attend
new schools, etc. In their eyes, all of these experiences have been difficult
and your loved one coming home is a change to their environment. Consider their
feelings during the transition. Think seriously about making them a part of the
“coming home process”. One parent coming home, may feel like the other is
leaving, as you seek to reconnect and may not spend the amount of time with the
child that you once did while your loved one was in prison.
References
Free
Application for Federal Student Aid, http://fafsa.ed.gov
Kupendua,
Marpess, 2011, “Coming home: revelations of former prisoners”. http://sfbayview.com/2011/04/coming-home-revelations-from-former-prisoners-2/
Markham,
Laura, 2014, “Structure: why kids need routines”. http://www.ahaparenting.com/parenting-tools/family-life/structure-routines
National
Center for Infants, Toddlers and Families, 2014 “Coping after exposure to a traumatic
event”. http://www.zerotothree.org/cope-after-exposure-to-a-traumatic.html
ProCon.org,
2014, “State felon voting laws”, http://felonvoting.procon.org/view.resource.php?resourceID=000286,
Last updated 4/21/2014.
StateUniversity.com,
2013, “Drug convictions: how they affect your financial aid”. Posted at http://www.stateuniversity.com/blog/permalink/Drug-Convictions-How-They-Affect-Your-Financial-Aid.html#ixzz36JLKmxoi,
December 2013.
Technical
Assistance Resource Center of the Annie E. Casey Foundation, 2005. “Re-entry:
helping former prisoners return to communities”, http://www.aecf.org/m/resourcedoc/aecf-ReentryHelpingFormerPrisoners-2005.pdf#page=14.
The
Sentencing Project Research and Advocacy for Reform, 2014, “Felony disenfranchisement”.
http://www.sentencingproject.org/template/page.cfm?id=133. Last updated 6/11/2014.
Dr. NKrumah D. Lewis is an advocate, author, motivational speaker, educator and entrepreneur. He successfully operated an award-winning re-entry program for a number of years in the Triad area of North Carolina, comprised of Winston-Salem, High Point and Greensboro. A total of 103 men and women that were previously incarcerated and/or gang affiliated were the employees of the Renaissance and Empowerment Project, Inc.
Visit www.nkrumahlewis.com for booking and more information.
